


It's the Thought that Counts

by ColorBeat



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Not Canon Compliant, POV First Person, Sad Ending, Suicide, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-05 03:28:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17911154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColorBeat/pseuds/ColorBeat
Summary: He had the train schedule memorized. I think that's what scared me the most. It was as if he programmed himself to leave five minutes before the train came through. It was always five minutes. Never four and never six. Always five. I feel wrong for saying that that is what scared me the most. Is it because I was almost always certain he would return? Or was it because I admired his determination and unwavering mindset? Truth is: I don't know.





	It's the Thought that Counts

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry.

I almost always hiked the mountain trail at night to bathe in the spa. At first, seeing him there was rare. But as time progressed, his lack of presence is what became uncommon. During to the laborous hours during the day, I was too tired and thought nothing of him. After all, he was the town's loner and bound to always seek peace.

There was one night, though, that curiosity got the better of me. I hiked the same trail as usual, but instead of going to the spa, I found myself walking towards his place by the tracks. Immediately, something felt off. The lack of a cigarette was the first thing I noticed, but his 1000 yard stare into absolute nothingness is what caught my attention soon after. 

I stood there for a moment, willing my fatigued mind to function. I knew that jumping to conclusions as to why he was here was one of the worst things to do, but honestly I didn't know what else to say. Because of that, I settled with saying nothing. Though, I did sigh as spending all day in Skull Cavern is exhausting. He then took notice of me, but said nothing.

While part of me was begging to leave him and head for the spa, the better part of me wanted to stay. Maybe I could offer something he needed to hear.

-. -. -. -

_-There's always a light at the end of the tunnel._

_-Don't do it. Please._

_→"Winter nights like these can be quite...pacifying."_

He replied with a small hum. It was obvious that he was not up for conversation, but I continued on anyways.

"At night, many are behind closed doors, cuddling with the ones they cherish while sipping away at a warm, comforting beverage. Some are reading cozily by the fireplace. And the last few are enjoying the crisp night air of winter."

A slight change in expression but no response. 

"I would have moved out here ages ago if I didn't have so much hope. I had hope that I would move up the ladder quickly and make a decent paycheck. I couldn't have been happier when I got the job right out of school. Up until I moved here three years ago, I made the same pitiful paycheck. While I may be living well now, I still have the same grim view on life just as I did then. I often talk to Leah about the environmental issues. She's right about the planet being doomed. And Elliott also makes a decent point about the oceans being filled with trash instead of water. Why should I have hope?"

I begin to realize that I'm making the opposite point I wanted to, despite having no real current reason to make it. I then took a deep breath. I start again but with a question: 

"What draws you to such a place?"

He takes a moment to consider the question. Several times he opened his mouth to speak, though words failed him each time. In the end, he only gave a half-hearted shrug as an answer. 

I didn't want to push him, but my thirst for answers only grew. As I stood searching the crevices of weary mind, he spoke with a grave tone:

"I come here to think. Think about what would happen if I just stepped in front of the train. Ended it all." His expression changed to one of frustration.

I wasn't surprised. I didn't show that I was. I wasn't going to fake it.

"So what if you did?"

He wasn't expecting that. It was the first time that night he made any noteworthy movement. It was the first time that night he turned to face me. Unmistakably, fear filled his eyes. Fear mingled with a hint of sadness. He made it quite obvious that he wasn't expecting the gracious farmer, helpful to all, to entertain the thought of suicide. 

"So what if you did willingly end your life on these tracks?"

I let the words slip from my tongue with such bitter confidence. I was angry. Not with him or myself. Just angry. 

"What do you have to lose. What is there to gain?"

Any self control I once had was now long gone. His gaze still remained on me, disbelieving.

"You have a loving mother who constantly worries for you. You have two wild friends who also care. I can't imagine what Sam would do without you. I've never seen him gloomy and I don't think I want to. Abigail. Chances are she would never come out of her room. She would most likely dedicate most of her time to finding you with that board of hers. And me? Personally, I don't think I would be able to stand it."

He nodded slowly. The fear in his eyes had passed but was only replaced with despair. I had hoped to make him happier. I wanted him to stay. I may have never approached him at the train tracks, but I made an effort to spend time with him, Sam, and Abigail at the Saloon on Fridays. I would even sometimes surprise him while he worked. It seems this conversation only confirmed what he "had" to do. 

He crossed him arms as I turned to leave. He had nothing to say. In hopes of ending on a better note, I added one last piece to the conversation:

"I still hope to be able to ride with you on your motorcycle one day."

It was after this statement that I left. He chose to stare into nothingness like he did before I interrupted. His arms were still crossed but any emotion he showed minutes ago was now gone.

-. -. -. -

I woke up the next day. The 10th of Winter. I smiled to myself and I knew exactly what I was going to do. 

It was 8:30 after I tended to all the animals. I quickly ran back inside the house to wash up and dress in something nice. I grabbed the bouquet and a frozen tear and made my way out of the house at 9:15. There was mail in the mailbox that I didn't bother to check. It was most likely unimportant. 

I took the shortcut to the mountain. It was faster and I wouldn't be questioned about the bouquet. 

I walked through the front door of the carpenter's shop, only be greeted by a grieving mother and the mayor. One look at me only caused more tears to roll down her cheeks. The mayor left her side to guide me outside. He didn't speak as he led me up the mountain trail to the train tracks. 

I felt beyond sick. There were people at the tracks than there were people in the valley. I stumbled toward the unmoving train and the crowd of medical staff. I wanted to scream. I wanted to wake up. But instead, all I got was Harvey pulling me away; begging me to come with him.

I threw the flowers and tear down and ran back towards the scene. Harvey called after me, but I didn't hear anything. I must have said something worth taking pity in, because the staff moved away to allow me to see. 

I wish I would have never woken up that day. 

He was gone. Blood painted the train and its tracks. The ground, too, easy painted that same gruesome color. I wanted to take all of the piece and put him back together, but it was too late. I could have saved him the night before. I could have put him back together then. 

I stood up with the help of a medic and walked carefully over to the flowers. I picked them up and inspected them. Some of the petals had fallen off. The leaves were bent and the bow tying the together was dirty. Still though, I crawled back to him. Despite everything, he seemed peaceful and unbothered. I carefully placed the bouquet on his chest and sobbed uncontrollably until I passed out. 

I don't remember much about the next three seasons, other than everybody returning back to their "normal" lives without much difficulty. But when the 10th of Winter came again, so did the pain. His birthday and death day. How morbid.

I can't help but blame myself. I think everyone else does too.

Today is the second anniversary of that day. Today is the day I pay for my mistake.


End file.
